Us Brits are allowing this whole World Cup thing to get out of hand, and at Games Revisited we have contributed by reviewing some terrible football games. So what better way to make up for this then to celebrate a different mediocre sport such as Tennis? Nah, just fucking with you it’s another football game. But then I guess the game title might have given that away.
(Please note, I wrote this on 9th July 2018 and England may or may not have lost the morning this is released)
Goal Goal Goal kinda gives a lot of the premise away since other than being a football game it is an obnoxiously fast football game. Games are 2 minutes long, with maybe 10 to 20 seconds injury time. But depending on who you’re playing that is plenty of time for a 5 goal extravaganza, so expect fast paced arcade action and little to no realism.
It is a Neo Geo game using a three-button scheme, so there are 3 buttons but only one button needed to win.
A is shoot (hold for power) and slide tackle
B is shit pass and nothing when you don’t have the ball.
C is homing missile pass to one of your players and I dont think this can miss. And shoulder barge.
You see, press C. Get in penalty area and use shoot. So ok, you need 2 buttons but only one of them in needed 99% of the time.
Dirty cheating South Americans
This might have been luck of the draw in terms of who I played and all teams are like this, or it might be programming, but fuck do the South Americans like to foul! I played Mexico (yes I’m counting them) Colombia, and Argentina on my route to the final and I couldn’t move for flying death lunges. Yes this worked in my favour as unlike say FIFA games of this era, the ref isn’t immune to sanctioning opponents. This isn’t to say freekicks are common, but in my 7 games I had 3 penalties (2 versus the stuffy Germans) as well as a couple of free kicks.
I tried to foul honest I did, I just couldn’t catch the bastards.
You know what? Goal Goal Goal doesn’t try to be anything and thus doesn’t disappoint. It is an average football game, but is tarnished by the 2 minute limit removing all the depth from it. Because the speed of play is too much, too much footbal is forced in to such a short amount of time which sadly removes the joy of football. There is no build up, no real need to pass, simply press forward get into the penalty area and shoot at full power.
It isn’t broken as such, it isn’t imbalanced. It just isn’t very good. Thankfully it is a Neo Geo arcade conversion so you can keep throwing in virtual credits until you beat it.
But why bother?
Pros: A good selection of international teams, including France for Matt
Cons: The Korean announcer bloke trying to say ING-GUR-WAND, most other things to be honest. It ain’t great
Back in the Day:
Can’t find any reviews.
Bonus section of how England won the World Cup:
Group Stage Russia 1-0
Things get off to a good start. A mazey run from kick off and England take the lead with their first shot on target.
For the rest of the game it is backs to the wall as England struggle to get out of their own half.
Group Stage Nigeria 1-1 Pens 5-3
A well balanced game with 10ish shots each, Nigeria take a lead towards the minute mark. But England strike back immediately.
For some odd reason the game goes to penalties. England win.
Group Stage Mexico 2-2 pens 4-1
What a cracker, 2 minutes, 4 goals! What more could you want? I’m honestly bored by this stage. But England go 1 up, followed by 2 Mexican goals in succession. Thankfully England grab a late eqauliser. Bare penalties again. I figure out if the keeper doesn’t dive he’ll save most penalties.
2nd Round Columbia 0-0 pens 3-1
Just like the 2018 in the 2nd round. Dirty cheating Colombians prevent England playing free flowing fusball. Ends 0-0 but those cheats get what is coming to them on penalties.
Quarter-Final Argentina. 0-0 pens 4-1
Can’t get ball of Argies and my only hope is they fail to score and it goes to pens. Which after using 7 continues finally happens. Don’t care that I cheated, so did Maradona that one time.
Semi-Final Germany 1-1 pens 5-3
The dreaded match up, England’s arch-nemesis in the sports know as football. Germany score from kick off and I think it is going to be one of those days. But thankfully the Europeans don’t cheat. But that ref does, he breaks German hearts by giving England not 1, but 2 penalties late on. The first is fluffed just before the 2 minutes are up. But deep in Fergie Time there is time for one more moment of glorious refereeing. England bang it away, and it is off to another penalty shootout.c
Final Italy 0-0 4-2 Pens
I would be dismissive and say the Eye-Ties defended for the full 2 minutes, but the fact is England were shite. But as shite as England were, the Italians finishing was worse.
What else, another penalty shootout. Weirdly, England miss the first one, but because the keeper is a massive hero he stands still for all 5 Italian penalties and manages to save 2 of them. They don’t get to take a 5th.
England win the World Cup winning 6 Penalty Shootouts.