Shaq-Fu. Delphine Software International (1994) Super Nintendo

Easily the worst thing about the current gaming scene, other than the rampant sexism, homophobia, racism, and all round douchebaggery of online console play is that we are being flooded with remakes. We only have ourselves to blame really as for every “Urgh they are remaking X/Y/Z” you get a “Please remake X/Y/Z” often from the same person. But the biggest problem with this is that it leads some twattish developers to think “Hey let’s remake that dumpster fire, it won’t be as bad second time around”. Well folks they were wrong on Bubsy Reborn and they’ll be wrong if and when Shaq-Fu is remade.

So with that in mind how much of a dumpster fire was Shaq-Fu?

Gameplay

Shaq-Fu is a Tournament Fight, in that you fight a series of people who in theory get progressively harder. The difference here is that Shaq-Fu unnecessarily adds an overworld, and a choice of level orders.

Awful

It means the 1st seven battles are easy as fuck, and offer no challenge. This is a serious issue as even the most hamfisted fighting incompetent (I am including myself here) will be bored of the lack of challenge on offer, you can literally spam a move and the enemy will just walk into it, or back themselves into a corner allowing you to spam attack them.

Once you reach the 2nd island the opponents do at least start fighting back, but again, you can just spam kick them into oblivion. There is no challenge here, but at least the enemies will flop around the battlefield in a vain attempt to not be flawless victory-ed to death.

Shaq said ‘bra before it was “cool”

It only gets difficult on the final boss where you get Goro’d, which is to say Curb Stomped by skinheads in Doc Martins… It is fucking brutal. I don’t like Goro in Mortal Kombat, but at least there the difficulty ramps up. Yes it scales a cliff for Goro, but a competent person will learn from the previous fights. Here it is endless flawless victory after another, and then an insta-wafflestomp. You aren’t prepared for It, and no spam kicking will save you.

The one whompage you’ll receive

Well not really, the final boss is odd. He’ll either wafflestomp you or you’ll stomp him it seems to be an RNGesus thing or related to the moon, I don’t know but he fucked my shit up 1 round then sat back in his lawn chair supping on some suds while I ankle kicked him to death.

Story

I don’t know, something about Sett-Ra kidnapping children for his inter-dimentional paedophile ring.

Simply put though, Shaq while sightseeing goes into a little shop that isn’t a total ripoff of the one in Gremlins, and  Mr. Wing* shoves you through a cupboard into not-Narnia and off Shaq goes to beat up Sett-Ra and his Pedo ring.

*turns out it was a Dojo so a totally not-Mr. Miyagi shoves Shaq into Narnia.

Shaq also Space Jams it and returns for the big game!

The Good

Having a section called “The Good” after the words “Pedo ring” was too good an opportunity to pass up, but I honestly found some things in the game I like. I know, shock horror!!!

For starters, when you or your opponent are getting whomped, the avatar on your healthbar will change to reflect your level of whompage. The graphics look shit, and it is a testament to how poor the game is that I beat it while watching the healthbar change. But I like it.

Secondly, some of the levels look decent ok, I like the one with the dragon castle because dragons and castles are cool.

Thirdly, it isn’t Sonic Adventure.

Not completely awful

Graphics/Moves/Music

The game looks like ass ultimately, the overworld is needlessly large so you appear as a lemming sized pixel on it, but in game you’re also a little too small and ill-defined.

As for the moves, there are none. Well none I figured out. I beat the game with ankle kick and mid kick spammage.

The music is also wank. I honestly don’t know what you want me to say here I’m just rambling.

Conclusion

Shaq-Fu-cking terrible should have read the review but it is better than Sonic Adventure and Sonic 06 and there is no reason to play it other than the fact it is better than Sonic Adventure.

Pros: Busting a Pedo Ring, avatars take damage

Cons: isn’t Sonic Adventure (+2 points) isn’t Sonic 06 (+1 point)

3%

Back in the Day:

Jesus fuck, game reviewers were obviously paid off and while reviews were mixed Shaq-Fu scored low 80s and was praised for the fast and fluid combat and impressive visuals. *VOMITS*

Also available on: Sega Genesis (1994), GameBoy, Game Gear, and Amiga (all 1995)

 

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I'm awesome. I write about videogames and play bass guitar.

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Posted in Super Nintendo
4 comments on “Shaq-Fu. Delphine Software International (1994) Super Nintendo
  1. dreager1 says:

    This sounds like at least a 7/10 for purely ironic reasons. The game is just such a living legend at this point and I’d probably be laughing during my entire play through. Sure, it’s not the best reason to enjoy a game, but at least in my own little way I would still be having a blast so the game succeeded…sort of.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SpeedySailor says:

    Hey man Sonic Adventure wasn’t that bad
    Reuben

    Liked by 1 person

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