Played a game that made you smash a pad? I know we have… Be it terrible design or frustrating gameplay, games can be hard for different reasons. But despite being hella difficult some games managed to retain their charm and remain fun despite its diffculty.
The list won’t feature Dark Souls, because Dark Souls is only hard if you’ve never played a game beyond Assassins Creed, and we are genuinely sick of people saying “Isn’t Dark Souls the hardest game ever?”.
So here is our list of games that make us want to shit a hernia out of our collective penis. Be prepared for many an F-bomb as just thinking about these games is making our piss boil.
11) Streets of Rage 3
Ok so we lied, this is a top 11!
Streets of Rage II is one of the best games ever, it was tough, but fair. SoR3 is simply sadistic. 2 different endings can come about by you being shit, but to get the proper ending you need to defuse the gas canisters on level 6 in super quick time, and then beat the alternate final boss in about a minute to unlock what is basically a secret 3rd ending.
This all depends on you being able to beat the two bitch lizards that fuck your shit up too much on level 2 which is where most people give up.
Every time we have beaten this game we get the worst ending, but on occasions we can get to the proper final boss we need like 4 minutes to beat off the boss and therefore only manage the OK ending.
Limited lives, limited continues, and a million ways to die on the Streets…
We can just about scrape the kiddy pool levels on Lemmings, with 100ish levels across 4 difficulties we ain’t beating this anytime soon.
You can get a level select code to get to the end, but you can’t beat levels until you git gud and gitting gud requires a pixel perfect twitch reflexes and perfectly timed commands. The somewhat clunky User Interface didn’t make things easier either.
9) Comix Zone
One life. ONE LIFE. O-N-E L-I-F-E. Get it? you get one life. This is why Dark Souls isn’t appearing in this list.
This platforming beat ’em up is so blindingly hard we can’t beat the game using an invincibility code. Beating the first level is freaking tough too as enemies don’t patiently stand there while you hit them, and they hit just as hard as you.
Shit tonnes of pitfalls, and instadeath means we have stopped trying to beat the game.
8) Total Carnage
Super Smash TV is freaking hard, but it was cheesable, and had some extra lives cheats. Total Carnage is pretty much Super Smash TV without any cheat options. Therefore it is FUCKING HARD.
7) The Lion King
Fuck I hate this game and it’s jinky ass brokeness. It isn’t just the pixel perfect jumping on the second level with fucked up checkpoints, it is also the hit detection issues around ledge jumping.
On top of this, the level select code sends you back to the first level after you beat the level you skip to. It means that if you REALLY want to cheat, you have to beat a level, reset console, enter cheat, beat a level, reset, ad nauseum.
People who say this is a good game are lying.
6) Ghosts ‘N Goblins
Fuck this game is hard. 2 hits and you’re dead, and if you die you go back to the start of the level. There are also bosses you can only kill with certain weapons that may or may not spawn. Added on top, you can accidentally pick up a different weapon when you lose your temper and start running, it means more than a fair share of pads have been broken playing this cunt of a bastarding fuck.
Oh and those fucking Red Devil BASTARDS!
5) Zombies Ate My Neighbors (Zombies in PAL)
Run and gun puzzler with 48 levels and a password system, means it doesn’t sound *too* hard. But if you do die and get gameover, when you reload using your password you’ll be greeted by having only the water-uzi… If you can get good and beat this game you may be an actual god.
It is fun as hell with tonnes of pop culture references too.
4) Earthworm Jim
We’ve periodically gone back to this game since starting this site, and we still can’t get passed level 3.
We love trying as it is one of the best games ever made, but we need to watch much better people on YouTube playing this.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Jesus fucking christ this game is impossibly hard. It is beatable though, you just need to be super twitchy and drink enough coffee so that you have the reflexes of a humming bird and can see time itself!
2) Ninja Gaiden
No not the 2004 remake as Dave can beat that (the nerd). But instaspawn enemies, twitch reflexes and a sodding difficult time all around. I don’t think any of us have beaten the first level…
Dr Robotonik’s Mean Bean Machine, basically Puyo Puyo Dr Mario. There are only 12ish levels, and a level select code but the speed in which the splodges come at you and a maniacally evil AI even on the easiest setting means we last about 30 seconds on the final stage…
Sonic Adventure, this game is a fucking abortion gone wrong. It is so terrible we don’t want to beat it.
Bucky O’Hare on the NES is basically Mega Man but hard(er). The only thing that makes the game beatable is that you get infinite continues, and overly generous checkpoints.
Super Meat Boy, granted it is stupidly hard but you get infinite lives so can beat the game by shear bloody mindedness rather than gitting gud.
Contra, this is only beatable because of the Konami code, but it is still beatable since the code is so ubiquitous.
Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels. Jamie can beat this, so it isn’t that hard.
X-Com: Terror from the Deep, If you say you can beat this game without saving every 5 seconds you’re a god damn liar! The bastard ass lobster men are evil incarnate. However the fact you *CAN* be a scared little bitch and save every 3 seconds makes X-Com very beatable.
Zelda 2: Link’s Adventure, frustratingly hard, knockback, and instadeath make the game frustrating. Obnoxious regular enemies, and the biggest cunt alive in Shadow Link mean Zelda 2 is hard. However, you get infinite continues and once you pass Death Mountain it gets much easier.
1) Cannon Fodder
I simply don’t believe you if you say you have beaten this game. I can get Jools to level 10, and I can get to level 12 overall. That is less than half way. Also, a sure sign a game is hard is that you struggle to find YouTube playthroughs beyond the 8th level.
The great thing about Cannon Fodder is it remains fun despite all the sodding death.
Did we miss something? Did the excessive exercisie swearing offend your sensibilities more than Sonic Adventure offends ours, or did you find this to be a cathartic romp in the wilderness of hard ass games?
Let us know in the comments.